Star Wars and all characters, words, phrases, and situations pertaining thereunto belong to The Flannel God George Lucas, Albuquerque belongs to Weird Al, and Larry is my own dear creation. No infringement on anyone's rights is intended, and I'm not making any money off this.
Larry was a camel. Not that he was consciously aware of that fact. Living on the planet Carmel didn't leave much time for philosophy- pondering the galaxy and the meaning of camels and such things. Carmel was a brutal world to live on, and no one ever visited it. However, the inhabitants didn't find this fact disturbing. They loved their planet, and if all creatures loved their homes as much as the Carmelites loved theirs then why would they ever want to leave them and go somewhere else? They saw Carmel as a model of perfect society, a Utopia if you will, in the midst of a chaotic galaxy. Their motto was: If one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandary, full of loathing and self doubt, and racked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy old mixed up universe of ours there's still a little place called... Carmel.
And here is where our story gets interesting. Because there was something that set Larry apart from the usual resident of glorious Carmel. He was different from the others, because unlike his family, friends, and fellows he desired to leave Carmel. He couldn't talk to anyone about this- they all thought he was crazy to want to leave the beauty that was Carmel. Frankly, he thought it was the most boring place he'd ever seen. And considering he'd never been anywhere else, it was. Larry was a precocious young camel and he often wandered further from the city than was safe for a young Carmelite. But there was something else special about Larry. He was never attacked by the vicious freebishs that roamed the landscape and devoured unwary residents, and also never fell victim to a braksteet stampede; these unfortunate incidents claimed the lives of both the elderly and the young. He never even lost him way in the daily sandstorms that happened at precisely 4:07 PM every afternoon and drove everyone to seek shelter beneath the nearest jiriff. However far he wandered, he always came home unharmed. So his maternal figure didn't worry about him straying. Too much anyway. His paternal figure had mysteriously disappeared long ago, so there was no complaint from that quarter; no exhortations to stay home and play foozball like a good little camel.
And so it happened, on the 412th anniversary of Sir Francis Bacon's birth, that this one, special resident of Carmel was party to a strange site. Larry had wandered farther than usual in his search for something interesting to do, and as he cast his glance upon the heavens, he saw the flaming streak of a ship entering the thick atmosphere. With an excited bray, he galloped toward the adventure. The ship was quite beautiful to Larry's uncritical eye, though, in the as yet unspoken words of a Tatooine farmboy, it was a "piece of junk." The hatch popped, and out popped the most interesting figure Larry had ever seen. For one thing it only had two legs, which totally amazed him to the point of speechlessness. He had never been speechless before. Then it started waving arms! Now Larry just about fell over when, suddenly, the figure spotted him. It spoke in a most unusual way- without moving its mouth at all. At least Larry thought that was its mouth. And naturally Larry didn't know Basic, living on a planet that had virtually no contact with the outside galaxy, so he had no idea what it was saying. It spoke again, this time sounding extremely surprised. Suddenly, Larry could feel the unusual creature inside his mind. Hmmm, a force-sensitive on this miserable planet. How fortunate. What is your name creature?
Confused, Larry obediently brayed out him name.
No, no you brainless nerf! In your mind! Tell me in your mind! The voice sounded exasperated, and Larry hastened to obey. He had never done anything like this before, so he wasn't quite sure how, but something inside of him showed him what to do.
I am Larry. He contained a bray of excitement at pronouncing his first mental sentence, since physical speaking seemed to annoy his new companion.
Well... Larry... my ship requires repairs. Direct me to the nearest spaceport.
Larry was confused again. Spaceport?
Yes 'spaceport'! You vrelt-minded imbecile!!!
I do not know this word... spaceport.
The figure paused. His mental voice grew very soft and menacing. What?
Larry realized something. A spaceport is where you keep ships? We don't have any spaceships on Carmel.
WHAT?!?!?!
Larry flinched. But I could probably find someone who can fix your ship... he offered as a consolation.
The voice cut him off brusqu
Um, sir? Larry prompted, glancing at the sky nervously.
What?!
Um, it's 4:06:29.
And this should impress me why?
At exactly 4:07, that's in 31 seconds, the daily sandstorm holds the entire planet in its thrall.
Sandstorm? the figure repeated skeptically. We're in the middle of a rainforest.
Nevertheless, sir, I recommend we seek shelter.
Any retort from the mysterious figure was forestalled by the arrival of 2 tons of sand traveling at 200 miles per hour. They hurried into the ship. There they waited out the storm, discussed philosophy, and ate s'mores. Larry asked his first question pertaining to the meaning of the universe and finally learned the mysterious figure's name and purpose in traveling the stars.
I am Darth Vader. the figure said solemnly. Larry just looked at him. Not getting the response he was looking for, the figure- er, I mean, Darth- continued. I got sick of bowing and scraping to the Emperor, so I decided to take a vacation in the Unknown Regions. Unfortunately, his royal imperialness already sent some other minion there so I was out, and I couldn't just up and leave or he'd execute me or something worse, so I was stuck. He sighed. I mean Thrawn's a nice guy and all, even if he does have that creepy glowing red eyes thing going on, but why does he get to have all the fun? I wanna explore the Unknown Regions!
By then they were both slightly drunk. Hmmm, I better explain. S'mores on Carmel are made with, well, caramel. Caramel is a highly intoxicating substance that can be sampled in any state- solid, liquid, gaseous, or plasma. Larry and Darth had been putting double caramel on their last few s'mores, and they'd had a quite a few before that. By the time they realized that the storm was over and they were free to leave, they had become fast friends and both had learned something valuable. Larry had picked up Basic quicker than you can say "Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs," and Darth discovered that Carmel’s unique atmosphere was capable of supporting his somewhat depleted respiratory system. So he ditched the black armor and got a tan while Larry wrote long-winded epic poems in his new language. The two of them were so very, very, very happy. Until one fateful morning, several weeks later, Larry's maternal figure came looking for him. She brought half the city with her, since she was convinced that whatever was keeping her filial figure from returning to her must be excessively large and have lots of excessively large friends. She wasn't as open-minded as her filial figure about strange creatures, especially two-legged ones that appeared to be threatening her young one. So, shouting things like "Death to foreigners!" and "Save Larry!", the cavalry came rushing in.
All hell broke loose. Diving toward the newly repaired ship Darth took off, the Carmelites hanging off the boarding ramp like morrts on a Gamorrean. He managed to shake them off and come around for another pass to pick up Larry. However, Larry didn't seem to need picking up. Vader just sat there in the ship staring at his new friend in admiration. Larry gathered the Force around him in a cloud and, at the same time, levitated himself towards the ship and threw his "saviors" backwards.
Impressive, thought Darth. Most impressive.
Why thank-you, replied Larry. I did not know I could do that.
I felt your great power through the force, but I thought you would require more training before you could focus it in such a way. Very interesting.
Larry closed the ramp as he entered the ship, and they prepared to enter hyperspace. Larry loved it. His first trip on a spaceship and his first hyperspace entry and his first major usage of his powers all in one day... Well, as you can imagine he was feeling quite on top of the world. During the trip Vader helped him hone his skills in the Force, and he practiced with his quintuple-bladed lightsaber.
Arriving back at Coruscant, Darth Vader slid back into his old routine of bowing and scraping and conquering various worlds for the Emperor. Larry's vast intelligence and strength in the Force were kept hidden from the decrepit old man quite easily, and he assisted Vader in all things. He made an extremely good spy since everyone assumed he was just an inferior minded burden animal (you'd think that people would be more open-minded, but remember this is the Empire). He also subdued any minions who tried to get out of hand, fetched information and gadgets from all corners of the galaxy, and made better coffee than Guri. In fact, he did everything better than Guri- even impersonate a gorgeous human woman- which made Darth cackle evilly to no end, and just goes to show you that you can't buy, or build, good help.
So when Vader heard about the malicious plans of the evil-little-weasel-laughing-Nazi-man to disrupt the space-time continuum, he knew it was only a matter of time before he and Larry would be called upon to save the galaxy... and so they did.
The Beginning...
